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Tuesday, March 13, 2012
5:01PM
it's been a while.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
10:22AM
i have everything in the world anyone could want.
but there's still something missing.
i don't feel "whole" or "complete".
i wish i knew what was missing from my life.
more often than not, i feel like i'm just wasting time.
waiting.
for something?
Friday, January 14, 2011
10:12AM
I'm due for an update.
I'm just not sure where to start.
Friday, November 19, 2010
8:55AM
i just don't know.
Monday, October 25, 2010
1:49PM
i feel like i'm in a rut.
i kind of want to be left alone from everyone and everything.
i'm at the point where i don't really care if people complain about me not hanging out enough/going to events/places/parties.
i just don't fucking care.
my time is precious and i want to relax and enjoy myself as opposed to rushing everywhere to appease everyone.
mitch and i are getting closer than ever...but he still manages to say or do something that pushes me away just when i think everything is perfect.
i'm just taking it as it comes.
whatever happens, happens.
i don't know why i'm so blah.
i have no reason to be.
everything is good.
i guess i know there's trouble when everything is fine.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
12:50PM
i need a break from everything.
i feel like i'm going to collapse from being so busy/overwhelmed.
i've noticed that when i do have a free 5 mins to myself, i start looking for things to do because i feel like there's something i SHOULD be doing.
like, i can't fucking relax because i think i'm forgetting something.
it sucks.
i need a solid weekend where i don't get dressed or leave the house.
help?
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
3:34PM
things between mitch and i are better than ever (probably just jinxed that.)
i'm getting so comfortable/used to him and i hate it.
i'm starting to become less independent - talking to him on the phone everyday, spending all my days off/weekends with him. doing everything (cooking, laundry, cleaning) for him because i want to make him happy.
and i hate it.
hate it.
i hate that i'm letting myself fall for someone again.
i hate being in that position where i'm more used to being with him than without him.
but what i hate more, is that i still can't manage to shake the whole ben thing.
i still get angry/upset/sad/whatever when i think about all of it.
the semi-formal was this weekend. it was so much fun.
but steve showed up. and ended up asking me about ben.
"what ever happened between you guys? ben is so mysterious about everything and doesn't talk about it."
....which turned into me ranting/shit talking for 30 mins about ben.
and how i told him to not talk to me anymore after the whole sexting thing.
and how part of me still misses him...but i miss a person who doesn't exist anymore. because i don't know this stranger he has become.
and how it sucks.
and i should have never said any of it.
i feel bad shit talking ben.
sure, he deserves it (it's a shitty thing to do, to sext both of your ex's while you're "in love" with your current girlfriend.) ...but i still feel bad for bringing it up and telling people who are his friends.
no one needs to hear this shit...regardless if they ask or not.
and it's shitty of me to not be over all of this bullshit.
it's been over a year and a half since he broke up with me.
him and bridgette have been dating for like, a year now.
mitch and i have been together for more than 6 months.
WHY THE FUCK DOES THIS STILL BOTHER ME?
it shouldn't.
i know ben sucks.
and is a liar.
and untrustworthy.
and unfaithful.
and selfish.
i know the person he is now is nothing i would ever, ever want in my life.
SO WHY DO I LET HIM/IT/THE SITUATION AFFECT ME.
i have everything i have ever wanted in my life.
success, wealth, love, yadaadaadada.
i'm so angry at myself for letting something like this affect my happiness. STILL.
mitch doesn't understand why i can't just dead it all.
he doesn't understand why i still care about seeing him out/at shows.
he thinks i should just not give a fuck about his existence.
and i know he's right.
i just can't shake it.
i hate ben for doing this to me.
but i hate myself even more for not being able to move past it and fully get on with my life.
i feel like this heartbreak is going to haunt me forever.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
9:26AM
of course, as soon as i would get upset and write that entry, mitch would have to do the sweetest thing...
he made me a mix CD.
he left it in my bag this morning before i woke up.
it says "I MADE YOU THIS!" haha
not only does it have the ROUNDHOUSE THEME SONG on it (him and i are apparently the only 2 who remember this show/theme song) but it has a few songs that i think describe how he feels...but would never say.
he also put hanson and new kids on the block on there to make me smile :)
it's perfect.
it made me so happy.
ugh!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
12:31PM
sometimes i feel like i'm compromising everything that i want and everything i've always dreamed of...and i'm not sure why.
to not be alone?
to cling on to a hope that probably is futile?
i like mitch, i really do.
in fact, parts of me really love him.
but i constantly feel like just when things are good and i'm happy, reality bites me and i realize it can't last.
he's never going to be affectionate.
he's never going to be the type of guy who buys me flowers or writes me love notes or tells me how beautiful i am or takes me on surprise trips or...well, anything.
he texted me while i was in canada, to tell me that he was going to start giving me a weekly compliment.
when i first read it, i was really happy and felt loved.
but looking back, it's kind of sad. ...it's sad that i'm excited about him telling me once a week something he likes about me.
but that's just it; that's all i can get from him. a compliment every once in a great while.
and i feel like that's all i will ever get.
deep down i know he cares.
but he doesn't do a very good job at showing it.
i'm so full of love and affection and hope and happiness...and i always feel like he wants me to keep it to myself.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
11:59AM
things are going well.
there's always a few hiccups, but for the most part, i'm pretty happy.
i'm trying this new thing where i put myself first.
i'm saying no to people.
i'm doing what i want to do.
i'm not letting others talk me into/make me feel bad for doing/not doing things.
it's a little weird to not appease others, but it's making my life a hell of a lot easier.
i figure, either you want to be my friend, or you don't.
those that matter will be in my life regardless.
lots of fun things coming up:
- connecticut
-montreal/tattoo convention with my besties
- new tatty
-pig roast
- surprise birthday party
- WORLD'S LARGEST GARAGE SALE
- pug parade
- FALL
- semi formal
2010 is a pretty good year so far.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
10:43AM
dear bridgette,
your boyfriend is a terrible person.
hope you believed me when i told you he's been trying to "sext" me, and his other ex, for the past 2 months.
you seem to be a smart girl. don't waste your time like i did.
love,
sarah
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
2:25PM
27 years old today.
my life has changed so much in the past 3-4 years.
wow.
Friday, July 23, 2010
11:18AM
so busy.
so tired.
i need a break.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
9:27AM
27 in one week.
fuck.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
10:48AM
i can't believe it's the second week of july already.
time goes by faster and faster.
i've been good.
life is a blur.
there's never a day where i have nothing to do.
traveling all over the place.
this week i will be at the cape on the beach.
next week i will be in virgina and DC and surrounding areas.
every weekend for the rest of the summer i will be somewhere, doing something.
right now i'm mostly looking forward to mitch and brad's semi-formal homecoming show.
it's not until september, but i've been planning already.
me and rhiannon are the decorations committee.
the bar is going to look amazing.
it's going to look like an actual school dance.
i hope a lot of people come.
it's going to be so much fun.
my body is worse than ever.
i wake up in the middle of the night now with stomach pains.
and when it comes time to wake up in the morning, i physically cannot get my body to work.
i don't know what's wrong.
i keep putting off going to the doctor because i'm worried they will tell me nothing is wrong, and then i will look like a hypochondriac AND have to deal with all of this feeling weird/being overly tired/weak forever.
i want to meet a kennedy this weekend.
i also want to take a lot of pictures.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
2:17PM
drunk at work right now.
business lunch.
it happens.
i just wanted to say i'm happy.
really, i am.
life is going well now.
of course there's the typical hiccups, but overall, things are good.
i like my job, my friends (as much as i'm busy and overwhelmed) and boyfriend.
i do whatever the fuck i want.
and i want nothing.
life is good.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
...it just might not be 30 consecutive days.
WRITE A LETTER TO THESE PEOPLE :
Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror
9:10AM
too tired to function lately.
i need to get blood work done; something's wrong.
i sleep ALL the time and i'm always in a state of grogginess.
i'm also weaker than weak, and dizzy/disoriented.
i'm also in a sort of funk.
i don't really want to see or spend time with anyone.
i want to be left alone and just read and watch movies.
i'm angry and sad and i'm not even sure why.
i should be happy; everything is fine.
what's wrong with me?
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